Habibi

Sometimes love shows up in the most miraculous ways, and when you least expect it.

I’m no stranger to love and have been fortunate to have loved, lost, and been loved unconditionally.

My mother gave me sound advice when she said,

“Honey, love changes over time.  I loved your dad when we first met because he was so handsome and kind of a bad boy. Then I loved him because he was such a good father and provider, I loved to watch him play with you kids. Now, I love him because he was so wonderful with Grandma when she came to live with us before she passed. I couldn’t have done it without him. Your grandfather said we wouldn’t last a year and here we are, over 30 years together.”

That’s a kind of love that lasts, that’s the kind of love that I prayed for when I met Habibi. 

Habibi and I met at The Ritz, Friday, August 12, 2016. I joined my Jerald Kohrs and a few friends at the Laurie Beechman Theater on 42nd and 9th avenue in New York City for drinks, dinner, and a drag show. After dinner, I decided to go dancing with Jerald's friend Kholisie in Hell’s Kitchen, I just needed to let go. I had been severely anxious, and depressed, and struggled to find a job after Mark moved out. I had celebrated in August for the last 13 years and this was the first year without Mark. It felt sad but also knew I couldn’t stay in our old apartment forever.

Kholisile and I made our way to the bar and promptly ordered another round of drinks. We both danced until we were dripping in sweat! We were having a great time when I decided to jump up next to this tall, dark and handsome Arab guy dancing on the riser. Within seconds we were dancing together, it became so crowded we hopped down from the riser and he kissed me. It was thrilling like planets colliding, a Big Bang set our souls into orbit with each other. Part of me was worried and felt bad, Mark and I had only broken up in the last few weeks and I was just starting to feel single. However, I thought, "I'm now a single, gay man in my 30’s, living in NYC and this guy is hot.” So, after hours of dancing, talking, and making out, we closed the club and I asked him to come home with me. The shower sex was hot, the sex after that even hotter, by this time it was nearly 6 am! We fell asleep and I woke up to this gorgeous body laying next to me. He opened his eyes, they were shaped like almonds and they sparkled. We talked about Morocco, how long we had lived in NYC, what we did for a living, our families, etc. The pillow talk was flowing but I confided I was unemployed, just out of a relationship, and wasn't looking for a new one. He asked what happened, I told him “I fell out of love,” but the truth was my love for Mark had just changed. After 13 years I didn't think we wanted the same things, I was destroyed by never meeting his family and I always wanted kids. He smiled a sweet smile and said he wanted kids too. It was too good to be true but then a bombshell happened when he told me he wasn't “OUT” to his family. I reacted poorly and boldly said, "Well I guess we're not dating then." I offered him a spare toothbrush and attempted to send him on his way. I couldn't possibly date someone again who would never introduce me to his parents. But then I heard about the love he had for his family and how it was hard culturally being gay and Muslim. I told him I needed to walk the dogs and he volunteered to go with me. He wanted to tell his family but didn't know if he ever could. About that time, Ava jumped up and gave him a slobbery kiss on the face, a surprise attack as usual. He laughed and wiped the saliva from his face, it was a good sign. At least my dogs loved him. 

After walking and talking, we took the dogs back to my apartment and went to Le Pain Quotidien at Bryant Park for a light brunch. The whole time he kept touching my knee and holding my hand. It was super sweet and It made me feel important. We finished breakfast and he walked me home, we ended up having sex again and then napped until he had to go to work. I decided I wanted to see him again but didn't want to move too fast or seem too available...so I invited him to a concert with me in Brooklyn a few weeks later. I already had tickets and I needed a date. He said he would and then we made plans to see each other again. 

I immediately jumped into stalker mode and Googled, where I found his Instagram and clicked “Follow”. This made me even more excited by the handsome pics I found and saved to my phone. That week he texted me, said he knew I was “into fitness” and asked if I'd rather go to a blacklight 5k run in New Jersey. I had already purchased the tickets to the concert but thought it would be a fun run, so I bought our tickets for the race. On the day before the race, he said: “he wasn't feeling well.” I was really pissed and felt like he stood me up. I was more upset with myself for not going to the concert like I wanted and instead went to a race that was supposed to be a date. I changed my attitude and decided to take an Uber to New Jersey, I told myself I would have an awesome time on my own, and I did! 

Habibi promised to make it up and the next week he picked me up in his friend's beat-up Volkswagen Jetta and we drove to a Korean bathhouse in New Jersey. It was great, we were naked the whole time and it was awesome just relaxing together. After the spa, I realized I was comfortable the whole time being naked with him. Not once did I think about how my body looked, he made me feel so sexy. On the way home he almost killed me on the highway back to NYC. As he was merging lanes someone sideswiped his mirror and kept driving. He was like an Arab Speed Racer and I was white-knuckled, holding on for dear life! After the date, he dropped me off and I was so giddy with butterflies in my stomach. He was incredibly kind, ambitious, and handsome and the chemistry felt real. He told me he thought about me the whole way home to Astoria. We texted all week and made plans to go to Fire Island that following weekend. 

My yoga buddy, Jeffery Duval was hosting a Fire Island yoga retreat and I said I would come up for the day. Habibi was supposed to meet me early but he was late so we ended up taking the later train. Being late is my biggest pet peeve...Still, The trip was amazing, he was so sexy and I didn't care! It was brilliant just laying on the beach together talking and getting to know each other. I also found out he can't swim after he nearly drowned me in the ocean trying to show off! We talked and kissed, flirted, and checked out hot guys together. Those collar bones (a secret fetish) were so sexy glistening in the sunlight hitting his oiled body. We spent all weekend together and it was effortless. 

After the trip, we planned to FaceTime and he continued to flirt and send me pics which I loved! He was traveling back home for a few weeks and sent photos of himself and his nephew during Eid in Morocco. They were so adorable and this made me think, "He would be a great dad." To me, that was so much more attractive. By early September I had finished my Yoga Teacher Training at Sonic Yoga in NYC and was preparing to take a Digital Marketing Certification course at Rutgers University in New Jersey to continue my education.

I was still interviewing for the perfect role and enjoying the time off. While Habibi was home in Casablanca we texted or talked nearly every day. Towards the end of September, I celebrated my friend Bernie Brandall's 80'th Birthday and then headed to California on 9/24, the same day Habibi was scheduled to be back in NYC. I went to visit friends in San Francisco and headed to Los Angles to meet Jerald for a Dolly Parton concert. The month away from each other was good, he started calling me "Habibi" which I loved as a common pet name but he freaked me out when he said "I love you" on the phone. It was all moving really fast! I told him it made me uncomfortable but said  that “I appreciated his sentiment.” I tried to ignore it and avoided saying it back...it was all so soon. My world was spinning and I was being swept away. I told him "I love that you feel comfortable saying the L-word and I don't want to change how you feel but I'm going to wait to say it. Know that you can say it whenever you want but it's soon for me." 

The whole trip to California was cathartic, I released and grieved my past relationship. I spent time with friends and had quiet time to myself. I thought about Habibi a lot too, what kind of man would he be? Was it too soon to be in another relationship? He was a man who loved family, who loved God, and who was so kind. It was the first time in a while that I felt like I had another purpose and started to see the light again. 

After a crazy week in San Francisco, Los Angles, and Palm Springs I flew back to my “Habibi” in NYC. I found out after the fourth round of interviews, that I didn't get a job I was so confident about. The interviews were slowing and nobody seemed to want a guy with short stints at startups on his papers...after so much rejection my self-esteem was shot. I made the unavoidable decision to move out of my Hell's Kitchen apartment and faced the reality of being broke, homeless, and jobless. I even talked to my parents about moving home to Kansas for a while. 

Habibi came over and held me. I cried, embarrassed of my predicament. How could a guy want such a “loser.” All I wanted was to be successful. Now it was all slipping through my fingers. Habibi said it was all going to be fine. As much as I wanted to believe him, I just couldn't. He said he had been wanting to move and was tired of living with his Brother-in-law. I was nearly out of money and had filed for unemployment in August yet still didn't have a job after leaving MentAd. Habibi and I looked for apartments and he took me to dinner, where I sobbed and said I thought it was moving too fast. Overwhelmed, I was lost and didn't know what to do. He held my hand. He was strong, it was going to be okay. “You’ll live with me,” he said. He loved me, didn’t want our relationship to end over a job, and refused to let me move back to Kansas. For some reason, my soul believed him this time. That week, my best friend and sister, Crystal Carey called to say that my “Papa Frank” wasn't doing well, he was on hospice, and was put on morphine. Frank was like another father to me. I drove home as fast as I could to see him just to say “I love you.”

(10/12/2016)

I had a dream of a healing and cathartic road trip and immediately called Bernie Koehrsen III. The universe was realigning and I returned to NYC with my dear friend and guru after spending a couple of days in Chanute, Kansas. Bernie and I had a wonderful "road trip across Americana plan” and Bernie had been wanting to visit NYC art galleries for a while. We ate Chick-fil-a, watched car races in Indiana, and went to a really great gay bar in Ohio, it was the gayest midwestern experience possible. Habibi was incredibly supportive the whole time. The following week we found another apartment we could afford in Harlem’s Striver’s Row, put in a new application, and the three of us were accepted. If you’ve never lived in NYC, you can’t imagine how difficult it can be looking for “No Fee Apartments.” Our credit and the combined income were going to make it all possible! The leasing company at my 42nd Street apartment agreed to extend my lease by a week so that I could get myself situated and we all moved into our beautiful and cozy “Harlem 2 bedroom, with outdoor space” in November.

Christmas came and I was reminded of how lucky I was to have these people in my life. I couldn't afford to go home and I had started working part-time at Salvatore Ferragamo Flagship on 5th avenue with my girlfriend, Kristen Conklin. Habibi and my friend Poonam made the holidays absolutely memorable! We laughed, smoked weed, and had a fantastic brunch at Ponty Bistro across the street. Habibi surprised me with tickets for a New Year's Eve party with his friends and spent way too much money for the minimal income I was on! I was so grateful but also worried about how I would afford to pay for a black-tie event, I needed to buy or rent a tuxedo and that wasn't going to be cheap. However, I was just happy to spend the holidays with my new family, so this put my mind at ease. As the year came to a close, I made my resolutions and started searching for my tuxedo. After realizing a new tuxedo would be $1000, I got creative and started looking in thrift stores for used formal wear. I hit up a Goodwill on the Upper West Side and there it was, a very lightly used tux that was just my size. The sleeves were a little short, and the pants were cropped to my ankles but with a $60 alteration, they were good as new. NYE came and Habibi and I made plans to meet at the event, my jaw dropped when he walked through the door. We were the hottest couple in the room. I couldn't look away from his glowing skin. His eyes were behind that dark mask. I was imagining 50 shades of Grey...

January came and went and we took our first road trip together to Philadelphia, Washington D.C., and Virginia. It was crazy, romantic, and full of fun! Habibi lost his friend's house keys where we were supposed to be staying for free and didn't realize it until 2 am after driving for hours. Of course, I panicked and we ended up in a cheap hotel instead. In the morning I had another interview scheduled with the Ad Council, but that afternoon we explored the National Geographic Museum and walked around admiring the beautiful photography. I was inspired and totally fell for Habibi. On the evening of Donald Trump's inauguration, we were headed to dinner and I had a minor car accident when a lady merged into us in gridlock traffic. Again, my anxiety got the best of me; alarm bells were going off in my mind, this was a rental car, and I didn’t have full coverage!  After filing the report, we continued on with our plan to meet with Eddie Minor, Diego Fernandez, and their son Matthew, for dinner in Washington D.C.  Seeing Habibi interact with Matthew made me yearn for a baby and made me really happy. The next day when leaving Virginia, He forgot his bag and wallet at Amine’s right before we drove to New Jersey to visit his other friends. All in all, his friends were amazing, we had a great time and it showed me what a good team we could be in a pinch. 

On the ride back, Habibi said something that made me pause. "You're the first person that I've wanted to come out for." This made my heart jump. I'd heard this before in my last relationship. I don't want anyone to come out FOR ME. "Coming out has to be about YOU,” I told him. I was glad that he was feeling safe but the whole thing was a big bag of hurt for me, after 13 years of never knowing my ex's family. It was past trauma and I was tired of hiding in the shadows, lurking behind the scenes, invisible to the people my partner loves so much. Then all the questions ran through my mind, will he be out at work? Will I get to send him flowers and it is okay? Can I share a romantic picture with my friends and family and tag him, will that be okay? Can I hold his hand in public, will that be okay? He was finding the courage but it was old battle scars that I remembered all too well. Coming out is not easy and the longer you wait the harder it seems to be to unravel.

In February 2017, I flew back home to Kansas for a week in celebration of my niece’s 2nd Birthday. Lilly was so happy and it made me wish Habibi was there to celebrate.  On the way home, Habibi called and I was in the car with my mom.  He talked to her too and called her "mom,” which she loved! It made me nervous but it was fine, he's such a sweet man and his love was infectious. There was an explosive argument with my sister Angela on that trip and I realized again why it's so important to surround yourself with loving people. That day, I set new boundaries with Angela and thanked God for my chosen family.  Habibi and Poonam became my family too, a trifecta of love that I'm eternally grateful for. 

In March 2017, Habibi took another huge leap of faith for me. He came out to his colleague for the first time to request a part-time serving job for me. My unemployment income was close to expiring and I needed to start working again for my mental health. Aviram the Beverage Director at Nice Matin was kind enough to introduce me to Sy Rahman, the General Manager at Marseille and Nizza in Hell's Kitchen. I interviewed and they agreed to bring me on. I was interested in Italian food and wine but the experience was humbling, having to wait tables after a decade of having a salary and a string of ad tech jobs. In a single interview, I went from a six-figure income to $7.00 per hour plus tips. Over several weeks I grew to really appreciate the staff, they were mostly aspirational or working actors, and the clientele was mostly theater-goers, tourists, and “Hell's Kitchen gays.” Habibi gave me pointers and continued to support and encourage me. "Baby it's only temporary until you find another job. You're smart, something else will come." He gave me hope, something I had lost after months of interviews and rejection emails. 

Weeks went by, we hosted Poonam's friend from London and family from San Francisco. I started planning for Habbis’s birthday. I wanted to do something nice for him, something memorable. He had mentioned in all his years of living in NYC he had never been to a Broadway show. He said he always wanted to go with a boyfriend and so that's what I was going to do. I started saving my tips and made a plan to use my credit card if I had to. Habibi’s birthday was great! Mum Dhillon made Indian dinner for us and Habibi ended up crying on her shoulder. He was having issues with his brother-in-law and needed to be with family. Mum provided that motherly support and showed me how to care for Habibi. After dinner, we went to see "Boss Baby" to lighten the mood and then went dancing at The Ritz until we shut it down again! Once we got home we had really passionate sex, all the dancing set the mood...right in the middle of making love my 5:30 am alarm went off and I started laughing! It had been ages since I'd been up so late. We fell asleep and in the morning we woke to go have brunch at Bryant Park Grill, a cute little place that I had dreamed of eating at but never got around to. His friends paid for the brunch and after 2 mimosas I was feeling great. I took Habibi to see Aladdin the musical with orchestra seats for only $67 each! I felt like God was planning and taking care of all the worries I had about the money and planning. I was going to show him “A Whole New World.” 

 After the musical, we stopped by the Intercontinental Hotel for a little birthday bubbly and then met his friends for dinner and a drag show at Therapy. It was the Paige Turner show and she rehearsed Habibi into her strip trivia game! He was terrible and ended up in his boxers with a cheap wig on stage! He was extremely embarrassed but went along with it. What a brave and good-hearted man. It takes a strong and humble man to be the butt of a joke and shake it off. I was so proud (laughing hysterically) but so proud! "That's my hot boyfriend," I screamed towards the stage. He took off his shirt and flung it towards me. "That's my baby!" 

The next week I wasn't feeling well, Habibi was a darling and helped make a doctor’s appointment for me. That evening Poonam ordered Jekey’s Jamaican food and I made homemade soup. While I was in the Kitchen, Habibi kissed me on the back of my neck and just held me while we slow danced to our own heartbeats.

Habibi went to bed and I stayed up, did some yoga, and talked to Poonam. After an hour or so I went to bed, it was still early and Habibi was watching his YouTube shows, usually, “Arab Got Talent” or something similar.  I was so turned on by him dancing in the kitchen with me, that I came to bed and started kissing his neck too. He was engrossed in his show and wasn't paying attention. I took the cue and started reading. As I rolled over I heard that bbblllleeep sound only identified as a Grindr message. I was insulted and offended. “What the actual fuck, 2 minutes ago you were too busy with your shows and now here you are on Grindr?” I didn't care, we're open but this was a time when I actually felt really jealous. And then came anger.  I got up quietly to put on my clothes, Habibi sensed I was angry and he tried to communicate, I communicated that I was angry and needed time to myself to process. on the living room rug, in supported savasana with my calves up on a soft chair, I tried to collect myself.

I rested for 10 minutes and Habibi came in, laid down cuddled me, and said he was sorry and wept. He said, “ I love you, you’re the love of my life." In 2 sentences my anger disappeared and all I could see was his love. I have grown so much emotionally but this was raw and beautiful. He picked me up and carried me on his back to bed. The sex was as passionate as the fire in those dark almond eyes. My Lips were on his lips. I wanted to say it but I couldn't, it was too soon. "You're the one that I wanted, you're the one I prayed for" were the words longing to flow through my heart and past my lips. After we showered, It struck me why this story was so important to me. I started writing so I could reflect and remember how to let this passion, fire, and love be the torch that lights my path. An unconditional love. A soft reminder of the sacrifices and love and fun we shared. On the days I'm annoyed or angry all I had to do is look back on this story. It's love, all we really need is someone to care for, believe in us, teach us to be our best, and love us unconditionally. 

One evening, we decided to try Peque, a cozy little Spanish tapas restaurant in Harlem. Sitting at the bar, looking into my lover’s eyes, He tells me "whatever happens, I'm 100% sure I made the right decision moving in with you." We caressed and fed each other, onlookers must have been annoyed or jealous but it didn't matter, all I could see was us being in love at that moment. It was all incredibly tender. He said, "I know, that you know, that I love you!" All I could say was "yes!" I was speechless, it was all true. It was romance, the kind in movies. If he had proposed I probably would have said "sure" because I had no words. 

In May 2017,  we received the terrible news that Habibi's father wasn't well. He had been suffering from Dementia for a while and had been cared for by his family at home. His sister called to tell him to come home if he could. He immediately started looking for one-way tickets and we rushed to pack his bags and get him ready to travel. My heart was aching for him, this man was Habibi's superhero. His eyes lit up when he talked about his dad, their family struggles, and his amazing ability to love and care for them. They were not rich but absolutely rich in Love. A couple of days later Habibi messaged me to say his dad was in a coma and then later he passed away.  Life is so short to waste, love is all we have. It's eternal.

"It happens all the time in heaven,

And someday

It will begin to happen

Again on earth-

That men and women who are married,

And men and men who are

Lovers,

And women and women

Who give each other

Light,

Often will get down on their knees

And while so tenderly

Holding their lover's hand,

With tears in their eyes,

Will sincerely speak, saying,

"My dear, 

How can I be more loving to you;

How can I be more Kind?"

-Hafiz

The months grew to years and as adventures passed our love grew, but it wasn’t enough. In July 2020 after enduring months in the epicenter of the global Covid-19 pandemic, I began suffering from severe ADHD symptoms and ultimately ended up falling into a deep depression after surviving mass lay-offs in the spring, only to be let go with severance from Compass. After working remotely and visiting my cousin’s in Oregon, I returned home to NYC for Habibi to announce that he had booked his mother’s flight and she would be coming to live with us. I was surprised that she would travel so early during the pandemic and before the vaccine had been made available. I was in dismay that he intended for her to live with us while forcing our relationship into the closet. It was an impossible situation for both of us, he needed to fulfill his mother’s dream, and I was too tired to stay in another closeted relationship. What I learned was to love myself first, I learned to heal myself again. I am so grateful for this beautiful chapter in my life. So many yearning for a glimpse of what love feels like. I’ve been blessed to learn that love is what you give, and what you give is what you receive. And in my grief, I finally learned to let go when I realized I didn’t have to “UnLove my Ex’x before I could move on.” As Mama says, “Honey, love changes over time.”